Divorce...Through the Looking Glass

So your relationship is over?

For how long have you known this...5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days/months/years?

The reality of divorce is that it is just that...a "reality check". 

I speak from experience as 10 + years ago I went through a divorce.  I was the instigator and the "bad guy", but I also think that I was the realist.  We had grown up and apart and I was done.

My kids were 4 and 2 years old and I was 30.  It was hard, stressful, scary and sickening, but in the end it was a HUGE character mirror for me.  I really saw what I had done up until that point as a blur, and I was moving forward for the first time with a sense of clarity that I hadn't ever felt I had experienced.  It was enlightening.

Since my experience I have talked to many other women and families about relationship breakdowns and I have found a common thread...Many of us plod through life, on the daily grind, forgetting to really stop and think.

As Melissa Carr of the Thirties Grind blog puts it..."Get up, go to work, raise kids, pay bills, sleep. Repeat".

This process can work for some people that have a solid relationship with a person who is like minded and can share in the daily duties, but if you live in a one-sided world, you may have considered, or are currently thinking about, the idea of getting out.

In the end, here is the reality check that I talked about.

Your life will change in the following ways:

1. Friends will disappear.
2. Money will become tighter more than ever before.
3. Kids will go through a multitude of emotions.
4. Parents will either help or hinder you (but there will be a strong reaction from your family one way or another).
5. You will see less of your kids (this may mean every other weekend or every other week).
6. You will have to share in the raising of your kids (new girlfriends or boyfriends will enter the picture)
7. You will have to deal with people who look at you differently because you are divorced (some bad reactions and some sympathetic)
8. You will have to advocate for yourself
9. You will have to learn how to: clear a plugged toilet, re-light the furnace, deal with auto mechanics and pay household bills.
10. You will have to put lots of "work" into things that may have been neglected (ie. your appearance, your job, moving out of your comfort zone)

In the end, the BIG lesson that I came away with is that life is really a wall of mirrors that you are forced to look at from time to time.  The good, the bad and the ugly are shown and your perception of who you are is everything.  Forget about what other people say and get to know yourself!

One final word of advice for parents going through a divorce: It is over for you, but your kids will live it forever, so don't talk badly of your ex-partner and learn how to get along.

Healthy kids are possible, but it is the early on lessons of who their parents are and how they treat each other that is everything!

Do you know of a positive divorce experience?  Please share...

What's Mine is Mine, What's Yours is ?

With all the recent news on Arnold and Maria's marriage going down the tubes, there has been talk about their prenuptial agreement that was made 25 years ago and is it still applicable?

For all of you that don't know what a prenuptial agreement is, according to investopedia.com, is a type of contract created by two people before entering into marriage that outlines each party's responsibilities and property rights for the duration of the marriage. More commonly, prenuptial agreements outline terms and conditions associated with dividing up financial assets and responsibilities if the marriage dissolves.  Now there has often been the question that most people have which is "how long are these prenup's good for"?  Really it depends on where you live and what the local law is to your province or state.


Why I chose to write about this topic was that it got me thinking about how iron clad these prenups are.  Apparently, they do not expire, unless you specify a certain date of expiration when you write them.  The Law Depot has some do it yourself forms for Canadian people looking to protect their property, children, etc.

But the other question I had was why would the average person get a prenup with their soon to be new spouse, not to mention how could you broach the subject?  The answer it seems centres around the idea that all married couples have a prenuptial in place in the divorce law, however it does not cover everything you may think it does.  Prenuptial Agreements.org has a great "8 reasons why you should get a prenup" and it is worth the read.

I think that everyone goes into a marriage with the idea that it will last forever, and really it should otherwise why bother?  I would hope that you never would have to experience divorce or anything resembling a divorce, but it is always smart to be realistic about your situation and the people that will be affected.

~A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you ~Margaret Atwood

Liz